(But, how can you know for sure)

Uncertain.
I start to save myself; to myself, for myself.

Yet so assured.
You always seem to have a way to silence the skeptic in me, and pull me out again. And again.

THANKYOU

No, I cant. And will never be able to.
But each one of you made it happened, and bought me the greatest gift of all.

And so it was.
That I was warmed, and I was shivering. I had company, though I was alone. And I felt so much, from so little.

Or what, which seems so little.

My 21st.
No big parties, no big surprises, and no big presents.
It was made up of little things. But these little things made it big; short and sweet emails and messages, a-birthday-song long phone calls, ten-minutes skypings, pieces of doodles and sketches, sudden breakouts of the song, mini outbursts of laughters, impromptu indulgences, random tight squeezes, lovely cheek pecks, and small packages (literally and metaphorically) of everything heartfelt.

And just from these little things, I felt very much loved (:
(And this, is a gross understatement)

♥

TO: FUTUREME

So I came home, turned on the water heater, and as usual, switched on my laptop and check my email, while waiting for the water to heat up. And guess what. I received an email from my past hahahaha


(click for bigger view)
(of course I blurred some contents.. okay, 90% of the content hahaha sacred information luhhhh)

So yes. Apparently, I sent an email to the future me (the present, now) on 4 May 2009 haha yes, that's more than a year ago ! (I cant help but emphasise how fast time flies.) At that point of time, it was a spur of the moment thing, so I cant rly rmb what I wrote. Dint write much anyway, but I cldnt help but laughed while reading it. Not because it sounded silly (okay yes it did, alil), but because GOD IS SO GOOD. I can almost hear God saying to me as I was reading it see, you dint know, but I knew.

You shld go to FutureMe.org and write one too ! It was honestly a pleasant surprise to me (which I think it's so funny; I surprise myself on my own birthday ahahahaha) I think I'll send another email soon, but probably to a random date instead of my birthday hahaha

Anyhows. I smell of Assa right now. So I'm gna bathe. Will blog more about my day tmr or sth hehe

Love you guys (both from London and Singapore) ♥ !

ONE MINUTE

I can hear the drizzling outside.
Stillness; nothing is happening, but everything is happening.
The music plays, and the drizzle accompanies. Or does the drizzle play, and the music accompany. It's quiet, but not silent; for silence can be too loud sometimes, all the time.

It's been a while.
The night feels right today, right now.

Sometimes. It really is the littlest things (:

#BIG THINGS

It’s 9 in the morning and I’m awake as hell. But I guess that’s what old people do, get up too early and complain about the world. I do understand I make myself sound about 60 right here, right now. I had the worst day yesterday—with reality hitting you in the face like a man’s elbow in a crowded place—It was a rude shock. Wait, a shock would be wrong because let’s face it, you saw it coming. But bad days are a state of mind, like everything else, and you get over it; better yet, you do things to get over it, and perhaps there was nothing to get over in the first place. One thing I have come to realize, that the key to getting through a bad day, or having a bad day turned good is to just fuck it, and fuck all. Or, to just spend some good, old times with good people. Basically, that is the key to life. Whichever way you like to see this, it’s up to you. But I see good things coming. I see my thesis shaping up, even if it’s probably looking like cookie dough right now. I see it—you know, the nice golden brown cookies that should be the end-product; and I refuse to be pessimistic about things like these. I refuse. It has been a wonderful 2010 so far (-knock on wood, because I am superstitious like this) and I know the days are what you make of them. I have been itching to go somewhere. And I realized it’s not so much any place (except -cough Europe) but more of a non-physical place. I want to go somewhere in my life, and perhaps going away would be the most tangible thing I can grasp. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be anywhere (except -cough Europe) in particular, it’s more like a state of life; a state of being. And I see myself getting there. The only thing getting in my way is time and myself; but I know, I know I will get there soon. With one’s ass in books, and beer in hand (one in each, mind you), we can go anywhere. And I see it coming—I see it for my friends, who have big dreams that they aren’t afraid to chase. I see it all coming together, for every one of us. And it’s not just blind optimism, it’s a belief that this can be done. Just because. Just because we were made to do big things in our lives, for ourselves and no one else. And so, I can’t believe I let myself feel the heaviness of work and school yesterday when I know for a fact that I am going to get through all of these, and I am going to get through all these good. Scratch that, I’m going to be awesome. Wait for it.

/thatsblasphemy.tumblr

“As time goes on I have less and less faith that I can write something good, but I have more and more faith in accidents.”

/Jonathan Safran Foers

-

What a wrong day.
Went to school on time but forgot my bag with all my sketchbooks and work, so I had to go home again andddd I forgot to bring my keys with me -.- but thank God I saw Rae when she just left the flat (though I think she was annoyed cos she was gna be late for sch :s) Rushed back school only to wait for lik three hours (shld have just saved the money and take the bus :< ) before finally having my tutorial. Started preparing my warp, but technician left before I managed to finish so I had no idea what to do because I cant just leave my yarns there. Thank God the year3s were willing to help me, but I had to take off the yarn using a piece of paper o.o which took me ages..! And I wanted to do one more set but because I accidentally tied the base yarn tgt with the cellophane, I'd need to measure everyth again but the base yarn was nowhere to be found so I gave up and decided to just go home. And as if a major jam isnt bad enough, the bus driver decided to terminate so I had to wait for another bus. Took me almost an hour to get home -.- and I just realised I forgot to go for this meeting just now, I dont know how it managed to slip my mind cos I even had an alarm to remind me gosh zz

I dont know if I'm tired now, cos I am really tired, or I'm just in a very pekchek mood right now aha I did wanted to cook dinner and prepare for lunch tmr, but I think I shld just sleep now to prevent anything else from gng wrong ahaa

On a brighter note, I finally received the parcel my mum sent (well, I guess at least sth went right today haha).

And zomggg I just saw this.



Jonathan Safran Foers, can you get any cooler ?! :O !!

Read about BucketSocial from Shirley's blog, and I think Keng's project is srsly super cool hahaha

I think it's true what she said (or typed haha).
We get so caught up in life, and sometimes we think we've got lots of time on our hands we put off things we want/dream to do to 'another day'. And this 'another day' always seems to remain as 'another day' (And sometimes we alr know this, but 'another day' still remains 'another day' haa).

Yknow.
I feel that ever since I chopped off my hair, I've become more spontaneous and willing to try new things (couchsurfing !). Change this, change that; do things differently. As the saying goes, change is the only constant in life. But we constantly need change in our life, yes no ? There is no good or bad change, but how we respond to change determines whether it's good or bad yah ? But that's just what I think (more so recently).

Well, life can be unfair, but it doesnt mean it cant be good still :-)

And I want to do so many things now (Sweden baby ! Hahahaha just bought my tickets :p) ! Everyone seems to be talking about bucket lists. Maybe I shld create a list too, so I wont forget !

LIVING DEAD

Before I concuss, I wna show my nails off hahaha



:D
I'm gna have them cut already even though I just painted them; overnight sewing on very thick fabric with long nails - not a good idea haha

& J'adore mes cheveux ♥
Et j'aime le temps d'aujourd'hui
(mais pas la maison de tour en bus >:o )

i'm waiting to submit my stuff but the first group's not done yet and i feel lik i'm gng to sleep anytime anywhere soon zomgg haha thought we're gna have a break before weave but noo, gonna start straightaway :s and i found out also that i need to present my work later >:o ! but ok, i received an email last night from starbucks saying winter/christmas drinks are here todayyy, i've been waiting for the eggnog drink since last winter ended :D :> ok my eyelids are getting heavy bye

HIPPIE FAIL

I wanted to dress up abit more, but Rae said I looked hippie enough. Well, apparently not hahahaha

I ended up looking
1. More fashionable than usual (according to Evie)
2. like an Egyptian princess -.- (Jiayi)
3. a Greek goddess -.- !! (Ivan)

I shld have just gone with being an elf (with pointy ears somemore okay) or a sheep (with hoofs somemore okay) hahahaha, was pretty successful with those last year.

But then agn, I dint want to overdress since I was gna support Evie at her baptism hehe congratulations girl (: !!

After this Wednesday (or 10Dec/ 13Dec/ when I'm back in Singapore), I'm so gna knit my own mohair shawl yesyesyes. I shld actually work on my wrist warmers though.. it's lik uhhhhh 1/4 done since last Winter lmao.

Why oh why am I still awake.
Dont know how am I gna wake up tmr at 0630 :( Byee

IMMA HIPPIE

The greys in my hair are really showing right now :o I know what I can be for Halloween, a boy or an ahma hahahahaha

(I can hear people screaming outside now -.-)

Daylight savings starting later today ! One hour more to sleep :D

Lost. That's what was in there. Grief, sorrow, wordless and unfathomable. Not what I felt this morning, septic, panicked. This was distilled. Niki put her arm around my waist, I put mine around hers. We stood and mourned. I could imagine how Jesus felt, his pity for all of humanity, how impossible it was, how admirable. The painting was Casals, a requiem. My mother and me, Niki ad Yvonne, Paul and Davey and Claire, everybody. How vast was a human being's capacity for suffering. The only thing you could do was stand in awe of it. It wasn't a question of survival at all. It was the fullness of it, how much could you hold, how much could you care.

/White Oleander, Janet Fitch

-

It sure feels strange reading my older entries.
Strange to be reminded of the forgotten; to almost be able to feel how I felt at those points of time, and to recall feelings/emotions I do not now remember feeling before.

Wasnt reading cos I felt nostalgic. Was actually looking for a non-existent entry haha memory fails me.

It dawned on me that as much as the past is in the past, there's still this fear of history repeating itself. Scenarios of the past in the future gng over and over in my head. & Because the best is in the present, I cant help but wonder if the worst's yet to come.

Last night; this morning.
I actually got a taste of it; how it'd feel to have lost you. Not to any one, or any thing, or even you. Strangely enough, as scary as it was, it comforted me.


Sometimes I really wish we do not need to sleep.

[..] Believe me when I say, I take you as you are, even if you are intangible—I touch but do not hold, grasp but do not comprehend. I will never try to capture the sun, it is not mine to keep.

We are but dust bunnies frolicking by the corner of your bedside table— I could never see you in all that darkness but I don’t need to see you to know you. One can never trust the eyes, they have seen too much, they have seen too little; They see only what they want to see, and maybe I see only you. But touch, it is less presumptuous, and less affected. You feel only what there is; or isn’t. When all is said and done, am I going to be the one who bites the dust? Only a fool gladly takes the fall, but aren’t we all fools of the world and a world of fools?

/thatsblasphemy.tumblr

yesterday i saw you staring out the window watching the birds fly by,
feet sewn to the floor,
eyes filled with dreams.

(nobody ever really wakes up)

/suzywire.tumblr

-

It hit me today that October's ending already. And I thought it just started :o

Anyhows, the last time I talked about how pretty I thought the moon was, was in January (time flies, indeed) and Yiling rolled her eyes hahaha never thought I'll blog about the moon again, but I really need to mention this one. The moon last night was like jaw-dropping, srsly. Pity my camera battery died on me (though even if it dint, its night pictures arent say very nice also haha), and so I was left with Nokia E75....... hahaha, I kept looking at it and almost walked right pass Pizza Express (my destination), but luckily David (Lee) saw me and called me hahaha, oh and because, like I said, all I had was Nokia E75, I saw this guy taking pictures of the moon, and went up and gave him my email address to send me a picture of whatever he took. And he did ! Whee :D Such a kind soul.

So I shall share the love with you guys.



Tbh, it's a good picture. But trust me, the moon was lik 100x nicer hahahaha honest.

“I must learn to love the fool in me- the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”

/ Theodore Isaac Rubin

You know you're hungry (or mayb just plain stubborn) when..
you use a swiss knife, blunt scissors and pure strength to open a can of potatoes when the can-opener(s) does not work.


(Kids, please dont try this at home)
(If you do, please wash all equipment before using them, and of course, after that as well. Do wash the potatoes before cooking too. And rmb to say grace before tucking in.)

Thought I shld take a picture of what I cooked since I spent like half of the time opening the can.



Cant really see the ingredients but there were potatoes (duh), tuna and corn (was too hungry to take a decent picture) ! Wasnt sure how it'll turn out cos I just dumped whatever I cld find in the kitchen, but it actually tasted quite nice :D I'll probably cook it agn for lunch on Monday hehe

Every minute you spend with someone
gives them a part of your life and takes part of theirs.

/Ally Condie

-

Any time; all the time.

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

The loss was hard on Hassan-
it always hurts more to have and lose, than to not have in the first place.

/The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini