life in london

RIP Melissa Toh ♥

I dont know her, but the news of her death really shocked me. I dont know.. but knowing she's my friend's sister, made me think if there was actually anything I (even as a stranger) could have done. I dont know what exactly she went through, and I cant imagine how her family and friends must be feeling right now. The whole thing made me think about my life and the people in it. People I used to be closed to, people whom I cld have known better, people I know now, people who I will meet in the future..

And as I thought about the past, my heart filled with gratitude. To be honest.. I thought of how it could have been me. But thank God that each time at the lowest point of my life then, someone took me seriously and listened, instead of brushing it off as me just kicking up a fuss and being ridiculous, or me having one of those moments again, or me just being young and naive and dont know what life actually is..

I really like what Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote in Prozac Nation,

"And then there are my friends, and they have their own lives. While they like to talk everything through, to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on."

I am really grateful to people who switched their hearts on, people who played a part in making me who I am now (some of whom I'm sadly not closed to now), and people who showed me that God is not just a watchmaker who created the world and cant be reached and known. It is by His grace and love that I am no longer the cynical, always hating the world, and full of anger person I used to be. I dont know if I can always do so all the time, but I will try my best to be the best friend I can ever be to all my friends, the best sister I can ever be to my brothers, and the best daughter I can ever be to my parents.

I have always wanted to tell my family I love them, and finally did so last night. Because being brought up in a typical traditional and conservative Chinese/Asian family, I always lacked the courage to do so. Or maybe it's just pride. In a sense, I want to thank her for telling me how lame and foolish I was to let such excuses get in the way of not telling my loved ones I love them. It's funny how I only realised this after the death of a beautiful young and talented girl. Seriously, life's too short; what better time to tell your loved ones you love them other than now ?